Carly Catastrophe

Often I feel as if I live in a different world. Population me. I feel as if I don’t know anyone except in brief glances when I invite them into my world. They never seem to stay long. I’ve spent so much time hiding myself from everyone, that I don’t really know anyone at all. I don’t really know myself at all. Sometimes I feel so alone that I just can’t stand it. It gets so quiet and lonely in my world that I lash out hoping someone will respond. Just to hear someone, to feel someone, to know someone knows I’m there even for a moment. A therapist once asked me if I was suicidal. I had a hard time answering the question. The answer is both yes and no. I am suicidal, I think about it all the time. I’ve pictured it down to the last detail a million different ways. I would never do it. Call it fear, call it laziness, call it not being selfish. Whatever the reason, I could never bring myself to actually go through with it. Although, I’ve gotten so close more than once. When I get deep into depression, I don’t hope to get out of it the way I used to. I pray that I can descend all the way into my depression. The worst part is always the hope that it could get better. Once it gets better, you’ll just drop down again. I hate the ups and downs. No, I hate the ups, they make the downs more noticeable.

et cetera