Carly Catastrophe

I still think about you sometimes. I suppose it’s inevitable after 13 months and all our history. Sometimes, I miss you, sometimes I hate you, sometimes I just want an explanation. You told me I didn’t make you happy. My question is why? Why when I gave you everything I had, was it still not enough? I’m sorry I got pregnant but if I recall correctly, it’s not like I said “Hey, stick it in me. No, don’t worry about protection.” I’m sorry I couldn’t just let her go, but she was our child after all. I’m sorry that I went on living my life while you were in jail but it was 8 months. What was I supposed to do? I’m sorry that I have depression but you had your issues too and I dealt with them. Why wasn’t it enough? But now, when I really think about it, it was more than enough and if I didn’t make you happy, that’s because you refuse to be happy. I did everything to make you happy and you couldn’t be bothered with whether or not I was happy. I guess I was easy though. I just wanted to be loved. You saying it was enough to keep me. While it still hurts sometimes, I’m getting over it. I think now, if I could say anything to you, it would be “thank you”. If I’d never been with you, I would still be that insecure girl who would sleep with any guy who said I was pretty. Ani Difranco has a song called Superhero which makes me think of us. The chorus is “I used to be a superhero/ I would swoop down and save me from myself/ you were like a phone booth that I somehow stumbled into/ now look at me/ I am just like everybody else”. The only difference is that in our case, you were a phone booth that I stumbled into and became a superhero. After you, I realized all I had to offer. I realized how wonderful I am. I realized how much I deserve. I am happy now. And I will continue to grow and love myself. So thank you. Thank you so much for helping me find myself again.

et cetera