Carly Catastrophe

I have this problem where everytime there is some semblance of happiness in my life, that little chemical imbalance called depression kicks in. And the happier I am, the greater the depression. I sit and dwell on the disastrous what ifs until it drives me mad. I should be happy. I really should. At 20 I’ve found the person who no matter what will go down in my history as the love of my life. And his presence in my life is a reminder of my value and not the proof of it. But with all of that, comes the fear of losing it. And with that fear comes depression. And with depression comes that longing for self destruction. I’ve been doing well though. I mean, I’m in my head in a bad way but I’m not resorting to drugs or anything. I’m sure I’ll get out of it soon, I usually do, but this part bites.

I still think about you sometimes. I suppose it’s inevitable after 13 months and all our history. Sometimes, I miss you, sometimes I hate you, sometimes I just want an explanation. You told me I didn’t make you happy. My question is why? Why when I gave you everything I had, was it still not enough? I’m sorry I got pregnant but if I recall correctly, it’s not like I said “Hey, stick it in me. No, don’t worry about protection.” I’m sorry I couldn’t just let her go, but she was our child after all. I’m sorry that I went on living my life while you were in jail but it was 8 months. What was I supposed to do? I’m sorry that I have depression but you had your issues too and I dealt with them. Why wasn’t it enough? But now, when I really think about it, it was more than enough and if I didn’t make you happy, that’s because you refuse to be happy. I did everything to make you happy and you couldn’t be bothered with whether or not I was happy. I guess I was easy though. I just wanted to be loved. You saying it was enough to keep me. While it still hurts sometimes, I’m getting over it. I think now, if I could say anything to you, it would be “thank you”. If I’d never been with you, I would still be that insecure girl who would sleep with any guy who said I was pretty. Ani Difranco has a song called Superhero which makes me think of us. The chorus is “I used to be a superhero/ I would swoop down and save me from myself/ you were like a phone booth that I somehow stumbled into/ now look at me/ I am just like everybody else”. The only difference is that in our case, you were a phone booth that I stumbled into and became a superhero. After you, I realized all I had to offer. I realized how wonderful I am. I realized how much I deserve. I am happy now. And I will continue to grow and love myself. So thank you. Thank you so much for helping me find myself again.

{January 16, 2008}   Gag me with a spoon

One of my biggest relationship pet peeves is baby talk. It’s one thing for you and your partner to have cute little pet names for each other and maybe one or two obnoxious little baby talk things you do now and then. But if more than 20% of your time together is spent talking in baby talk, it’s disgusting. Being around it makes me want to puke and it just makes you sound stupid. Every relationship I’ve ever seen that relies heavily on the baby talk ends horribly. My theory is this, people use baby talk to dumb themselves down so that they don’t see how bad their relationship is. Also, I can’t stand excessive use of emoticons in any circumstance.

So, I found out yesterday that my ex is getting out of jail tomorrow. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It’s not that like I’m worried he’s going to come after me or anything, he’s all talk anyway. I guess it’s that that date has been something that I was looking forward to for so long. And now, this girl who’s been waiting for him to get out of jail for 2 months gets to celebrate it and be happy about it. It hurts. As well as that, he sent me a message asking if I wanted the letters I’d written him while he was in jail because if not, he was going to throw them out. This may not seem like that big of a deal but, he’s got this memory box with things from every relationship he’s been in and it hurts that I’m not worth remembering. I don’t understand why he’s trying so hard to hurt me. I did everything for him. In every message he writes me, he apologizes for wasting a year of my life. That’s probably what hurts the most. Every time he says that, I make it clear that he didn’t. I don’t want to give him that along with everything else I gave him. But, it’s like he’s still trying to take it from me. It’s not fair and I don’t understand why he can’t just let me be.

So, I broke up with the new boyfriend last night. The feelings weren’t there. I didn’t want to wait for them to never come and hurt him more later. He was still hurt. I could hear it. He kept telling me that he really liked me. Funny, I didn’t know I could have that effect on people. It was only a week. At the moment, I have a few “gentleman callers” vying for my affections. Where were they when I was 15? When I was younger, I used to wish for the power to make men fall hopelessly in love with me. It seems my wish has come true. I wouldn’t say hopelessly in love with me exactly, but at the very least, hopelessly infatuated with me. I wish I could say it’s a dream come true. It’s not. It’s annoying and confusing. With the exception of one or two, they’re all really nice guys with many redeeming qualities. Although I’m not quite 20 yet, I’m kind of at that point in my life where I’m looking for someone to potentially “settle down with” in a few years. With that in mind, the decision of which of my current suitors (if any) to choose is that much more confusing. What can I put up with for the rest of my life? What can’t I put up with? Any choice I make will without a doubt come with the thoughts “what if he was actually the right guy?” How can I feel so old and so young at the same time?

I got a message on myspace the other day from the ex boyfriend. It was about the blogs I’ve posted on there. Apparently I have nothing better to do than bitch about and belittle him on my myspace. It’s funny because I don’t see it that way. He’s hardly mentioned and if he is, it’s because he’s connected to whatever it is I’m writing about on there. I mean, he was a constant factor for a year of my life. He’s not just going to leave my mind forever. He then went on to tell me that his new girlfriend makes him happier than I ever came close to making him. It certainly hurt a bit. It was a low blow. But, the fact that he needed to say it makes me think it isn’t true. And honestly, I don’t really care either way. I don’t think he’s capable of happiness but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to find it. I have a feeling that he was most upset about the blog “Reasons Why She’s Ugly” which is my first blog on wordpress and the only one from here that is also there. And the funny thing is, it’s really not about her. True, she was in fact the inspiration for it, and I wrote it with that particular relationship in mind. But, I think it’s safe to say, most people wouldn’t see it as a knock on her. It’s not. It’s a knock on all women for the way we treat each other. For all the shallow petty behavior we display towards one another. Making each other the enemy when we clearly aren’t. And now, on a shallow note (I never claimed to be perfect) just because she’s ugly, doesn’t mean it’s about her.

Once again, I’m a girl with a boyfriend. I have mixed feelings about it. I like the guy. We get along really well. He both talks and listens. We do more than just watch movies and fuck. Basically, he’s the exact opposite of my last boyfriend. But still, I’m cautious. How can I be anything but after this past year. I thought we were in love until he dumped me. Granted, deep down, I knew we were nose diving but, I told myself that we’d merely hit a rut. And when he left me, I thought I’d never be the same again. Of course, I was wrong but it still hurt like hell. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. I suppose pain is inevitable though. Unlike with my last boyfriend, this guy has no problem with taking things slow. And that’s got to be a good sign right? That was part of he problem last time I decided that I was in love before I even knew him. I guess that’s the trick. I need to keep my head on my shoulders and I’ll be alright. Once again, I’m a girl with a girl with a boyfriend. This time around I’m a smarter girl with a boyfriend.

Having a boyfriend in jail makes life really easy. You can go out without giving a second thought to what you look like. You don’t have to impress anyone. You have a boyfriend. And, you don’t see him at all for five months. It’s not like he can look at your letters and say “maybe you should put on some mascara”.  Eventually, you see him on the weekends. But still, two days a week where you have to care is not bad. The rest of the week, you can just be ugly.

{December 28, 2007}   I really can’t be mad at him

The more I think about it, the more I realize, that I really can’t be mad at him. The circumstances just weren’t good. We were both responsible for that. First there was the pregnancy. That was both of us. Sleeping with someone you’ve just met is a bad idea. Doing it without protection is a worse idea. After the abortion, I wanted us to work so badly. And, I think he felt bad. Then, he went to jail. That was all him. Of course, with little to no connection to the outside world, he wasn’t going to break up with me. And I, didn’t want to be the bitch who broke up with him while he was in jail. And again, the abortion was a factor. We wrote lots of letters and tried to talk on the phone once a week. Somehow, I was able to romanticize it in my mind. I think we both had issues that made us crave feeling loved. He said he loved me and that was enough. I said it back because I wanted to love someone. And because I didn’t want to lose being loved. Or feeling it at least. I don’t think we were lying exactly when we said it. We wanted to love each other. We thought we meant it. We tried to mean it. But, neither of us really understood or was capable of truly taking on the responsibility of loving someone. I can’t be mad at him for that.

{December 26, 2007}   Reasons why she’s ugly

One of the worst things about a break up is that it can turn you into a shallow petty bitch. One of those girls you hate. Because, as much fun as it is to make of your ex, it’s much more fun to make fun of his new conquest. I’m not quite sure why. Probably because girls are better at judging girls. And your friends have an arsenal of things to say about this new girl. Mostly different reasons why she’s ugly. Of course, you all agree she’s most likely a bitch and stupid too but, you don’t know her so you can only assume. And for  some reason, this makes you feel better. But why? If she’s as ugly and bitchy and stupid as you all say she is, then what does that say about you? And why do you hate her so much? What did she do? You should want to help her. Call her up and say “Hey, just so you know, this is exactly the breed of asshole he is.” Maybe if one of his exes had call you up, you wouldn’t have stayed with him. But, you know that’s not true. You would have been angry. You would have told her something along the lines of ” You’re just jealous. You couldn’t give him what he needs. I can. Get over him.” And maybe that’s why you hate her. Because she’s blind to who he is. She’s stupid and giving a bad name to women everywhere. Because only a year ago, her stupidity was your stupidity.

et cetera