Carly Catastrophe

{December 28, 2007}   I really can’t be mad at him

The more I think about it, the more I realize, that I really can’t be mad at him. The circumstances just weren’t good. We were both responsible for that. First there was the pregnancy. That was both of us. Sleeping with someone you’ve just met is a bad idea. Doing it without protection is a worse idea. After the abortion, I wanted us to work so badly. And, I think he felt bad. Then, he went to jail. That was all him. Of course, with little to no connection to the outside world, he wasn’t going to break up with me. And I, didn’t want to be the bitch who broke up with him while he was in jail. And again, the abortion was a factor. We wrote lots of letters and tried to talk on the phone once a week. Somehow, I was able to romanticize it in my mind. I think we both had issues that made us crave feeling loved. He said he loved me and that was enough. I said it back because I wanted to love someone. And because I didn’t want to lose being loved. Or feeling it at least. I don’t think we were lying exactly when we said it. We wanted to love each other. We thought we meant it. We tried to mean it. But, neither of us really understood or was capable of truly taking on the responsibility of loving someone. I can’t be mad at him for that.

et cetera