Carly Catastrophe

I have this problem where everytime there is some semblance of happiness in my life, that little chemical imbalance called depression kicks in. And the happier I am, the greater the depression. I sit and dwell on the disastrous what ifs until it drives me mad. I should be happy. I really should. At 20 I’ve found the person who no matter what will go down in my history as the love of my life. And his presence in my life is a reminder of my value and not the proof of it.┬áBut with all of that, comes the fear of losing it. And with that fear comes depression. And with depression comes that longing for self destruction. I’ve been doing well though. I mean, I’m in my head in a bad way but I’m not resorting to drugs or anything. I’m sure I’ll get out of it soon, I usually do, but this part bites.

{December 30, 2007}   I just need an episode

Sometimes, I think I’m crazy. Like clinically insane. I realized last night that the fact that my father is adopted means that I don’t know half of my family medical history. Schizophrenia may run in my family. Maybe I really am crazy. But, I doubt it. Most of the time anyway. There are times I doubt I’m sane. I think, if I could just have a really good episode I’d be alright. And I don’t mean yelling at a few people or anything like that. I mean, throwing things, breaking things, screaming bloody murder, and I have to bleed at some point. But then, someone would probably have me committed. And, I don’t really have time in my life for that right now. So I tell my insanity to shut up and I carry on with my life. But it’s there always in the back of my mind. One day, when I’ve got my life together and a decent job and can take a week or so off to go to an institution, I will have my episode. I just hope that I can do it by choice and not insanity.

et cetera