Carly Catastrophe

So, I’ve just started talking to my sister again. And the other night she asked me a slightly disturbing question. The question was “do condoms help protect against STDs?” which may not seem disturbing but her response to my answer sure was. “Oh, my health teacher told me they didn’t.” Abstinence only education is insane. Do people honestly think that by not teaching our children how to have safe sex they’ll just decide not to? Come on now! Kids are going to have sex whether you want them to or not. Isn’t it better that they be taught that they should wait while still giving them the information that they need. Promoting safe sex is not the same as promoting sex. And now, we’re giving children false information about protecting themselves. A health teacher once told me that when used correctly, condoms have a 38% fail rate. Now, none of us like condoms honestly. (Although, I certainly prefer them to the pill.) And if we are taught that they don’t even do what they’re supposed to do, we’re going to decide that there’s no point, we’ll just use the pull out method. And the pullout method doesn’t work people. The bodily fluids are still exchanged, you’re at a greater risk for contracting an STD or becoming pregnant. We need to stop lying to our children before it leads us to lying to our grandchildren. Before you’re taking your child to the clinic to treat his gonorrhea.

    Sometimes, I think she haunts my uterus. That probably sounds really weird. But, since the abortion, I swear I can still feel her moving in there from time to time. Had I carried her to term, she would have been born by now. But I didn’t and I really feel sometimes like part of her is still in there. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. She’d be almost 7 months now. And she would be beautiful. Sometimes I dream about her. Quite often actually. That’s how I know she’d be beautiful. I’ve seen her. I’ve seen her as old as 3. She’s gorgeous. Thank God I carry mostly dominate genes and her father carries mostly recessive. Some nights, I wake up certain I’ve heard her crying. Those nights are the worst.

I worry that because of the abortion, I won’t be able to have children later in life. That happens sometimes. I also worry that if I do have children one day, even if I never tell them, they will know. And they will hate me for it. That happens sometimes too. Well, there’s no proof on that one, but it would be my luck that I would be the first and only case. And I want so badly to have children. I want to feel that kind of love. I need to. But I fear I am now incapable of doing so. I fear that this has affected me in ways I haven’t even seen yet.

The whole experience has made me extremely pro life. Although, having felt that scared, alone, and hopeless, I would never condemn a woman for making that choice. It’s a tough one to make. One that you may think you can handle. One that you most likely can’t.

et cetera