Carly Catastrophe

So, I’ll start with the back story. I went to Pittsburgh this past weekend to visit my best friend. Considering it was last minute and I am constantly broke, I took  a greyhound bus. It wasn’t too bad, my mom drove us everywhere when I was younger so I pretty much love ground travel. But anyway, from Pittsburgh t0 Columbus I was seated behind two soldiers who were talking loudly enough that I could gather they were fairly conservative. The conversation consisted of topics such as how Rush Limbaugh is brilliant, how good ole Dubya was a great president for outlawing partial birth abortion, and how one had recently learned of an abortion his mother had in college and had responded by punching her in the face. With that, I give you my open letter to the idiots I was sitting behind on the bus.


Dear Idiots on the Greyhound,


Let me start by saying that Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot. I don’t think I need elaborate but if you’re interested, there’s actually a book titled Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot. I’m sure you can find it in your local book store.

Now on to Good Ole Georgie. First off, I can’t imagine outlawing partial birth abortion to be enough to make up for the war, the economy, the patriot act, and the rest of the world’s over all negative view of the US.  That being said, let me start by saying that a president can’t just outlaw something. It has to go to the house of reps and the senate before it becomes a law. And on top of that, the punishment for a doctor caught performing a partial birth abortion is a fine or a maximum of 2 years in prison. A fine and or 2 years is hardly a deterrent, a person goes to jail longer for having “relations” with a house pet.

While we’re on the topic of abortion, I’d like to say how confusing it is to me that one can be both pro life and pro war. War is very anti life. Perhaps even pro death if you will. Explain if you would why it is ok to kill people over seas but not unborn children in the states. Is it that the people you kill in Iraq are already born? Or is it that they aren’t American? Either way, it seems sick and odd to me that the value of life is greater if one is either a. unborn or b. an American.

Also, you both went on at great lengths about one night stands you’d had. About coming back from Iraq and going to the bar and as you so eloquently put it, “fucking whoever wanted to fuck you”. It would seem to me that a woman who gets pregnant during a one night stand would be more likely to have an abortion considering she doesn’t have any clue  where to find the father of her baby. And so, it seems unjust to me that you expect a woman to have drunken meaningless sex with you and then take care of the baby you may leave them with.

I’ll end by addressing the comment one of you made about punching your mother in the face when you learned of the abortion she’d had before you were born. I understand your anger. I’m sure your mother understands your anger. But have you even for a moment thought of the pain the abortion caused and is still causing her? Abortion is a horrible thing. And the women who go through it often suffer for the rest of their lives as a result. She’s your mother and while you have every right to be angry, she has every right to be respected. You are even more proof to me how much the world could use just a bit more compassion.

    I did something kind of major today. I tried on my old favorite sweater. That may not sound like a big deal but let me tell you, it is. It’s the sweater I wore to the Planned Parenthood the day of the abortion. I hadn’t put it on since that day. It had been kind of hiding in my room. But, as I was looking for a shirt today, I came across it and something compelled me to try it on. I can’t say I was too upset that it’s far too big now. I’m glad that I never have to wear it again. I’m also glad that I did try it on. Putting it on brought me back to December 15th 2006. There I was getting ready to go and have an abortion.

I didn’t sleep the night before. I left my house and met him up the street. He picked me up in a truck borrowed from a friend. We drove around for a while. I didn’t really have much to say. He wanted to smoke pot. Much as I wanted, I couldn’t numb myself. Not then. Finally, it was time to go to the clinic. We parked and walked a bit. I filled out forms, he sat there next to me. I went in for the preliminary stuff, he sat in the waiting room. We paid the $400, he bitched briefly about the money he was spending. I went in for the abortion. He went with me and held my hand. I clung to my teddy bear. And then, it was over. My child was gone. And I had never felt more alone. Even with the man I said I loved standing right there next to me.

I think it helped that we said we loved each other. It made it feel like it was worth it. As I looked back on it today, I realized how not worth it it was. How alone I really was then. And how alone I didn’t have to be. I really wish I’d told my mom. I think she may have been the only person who could have really been with me through it. Instead, I gave my child and shut out my mom for a guy who didn’t care. I think this whole experience today was the final step in letting him go. In realizing that he was never worth it. In realizing that no one is worth that. That anyone who would ever even consider it with you isn’t worth it.

    Sometimes, I think she haunts my uterus. That probably sounds really weird. But, since the abortion, I swear I can still feel her moving in there from time to time. Had I carried her to term, she would have been born by now. But I didn’t and I really feel sometimes like part of her is still in there. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. She’d be almost 7 months now. And she would be beautiful. Sometimes I dream about her. Quite often actually. That’s how I know she’d be beautiful. I’ve seen her. I’ve seen her as old as 3. She’s gorgeous. Thank God I carry mostly dominate genes and her father carries mostly recessive. Some nights, I wake up certain I’ve heard her crying. Those nights are the worst.

I worry that because of the abortion, I won’t be able to have children later in life. That happens sometimes. I also worry that if I do have children one day, even if I never tell them, they will know. And they will hate me for it. That happens sometimes too. Well, there’s no proof on that one, but it would be my luck that I would be the first and only case. And I want so badly to have children. I want to feel that kind of love. I need to. But I fear I am now incapable of doing so. I fear that this has affected me in ways I haven’t even seen yet.

The whole experience has made me extremely pro life. Although, having felt that scared, alone, and hopeless, I would never condemn a woman for making that choice. It’s a tough one to make. One that you may think you can handle. One that you most likely can’t.

et cetera