Carly Catastrophe

Than the sound of a good pair of heels on a good marble floor.

I’ve started a new job working as a receptionist in my mother’s law firm. I love it. And part of my job is running all of the errands. Which means, going into fancy buildings with fancy marble floors. And really, the sound of heels on marble is music to my ears. The job is awesome and I’m even doing well working with my mother which was the only worry I really had.

So, I’ve just started talking to my sister again. And the other night she asked me a slightly disturbing question. The question was “do condoms help protect against STDs?” which may not seem disturbing but her response to my answer sure was. “Oh, my health teacher told me they didn’t.” Abstinence only education is insane. Do people honestly think that by not teaching our children how to have safe sex they’ll just decide not to? Come on now! Kids are going to have sex whether you want them to or not. Isn’t it better that they be taught that they should wait while still giving them the information that they need. Promoting safe sex is not the same as promoting sex. And now, we’re giving children false information about protecting themselves. A health teacher once told me that when used correctly, condoms have a 38% fail rate. Now, none of us like condoms honestly. (Although, I certainly prefer them to the pill.) And if we are taught that they don’t even do what they’re supposed to do, we’re going to decide that there’s no point, we’ll just use the pull out method. And the pullout method doesn’t work people. The bodily fluids are still exchanged, you’re at a greater risk for contracting an STD or becoming pregnant. We need to stop lying to our children before it leads us to lying to our grandchildren. Before you’re taking your child to the clinic to treat his gonorrhea.

{April 10, 2008}  

I haven’t written in forever. I just haven’t been able to. And writing is like exercising. Don’t do it once and all of the sudden, it’s been a year since you’ve written anything. Not that you haven’t written at all but nothing that you want other people to see. Anyway, I’m back and there will be new posts soon.

{February 14, 2008}   Zombies can’t run dumbass

So I was thinking today about zombies. And how in zombie movies, the entire population except for like 5-10 people have become zombies. These 5-10 people then spend the entire movie running from these zombies. Many of them do not make it out as humans. My question is why? If you’re surrounded by zombies and you know that most likely you won’t make it, why even waste the energy fighting it? Just accept your fate as a zombie. I mean, if everyone I knew and loved had become a zombie, I wouldn’t really want to continue being a human. I couldn’t chill with my best friends or hug my family if they were zombies. Why not just become a zombie and start a new world with all your zombie buds. Better than living the rest of your life in fear of the zombies right?

It’s freezing outside. I love it. I figured out why last night as I was meditating in the cold. When it’s cold like that, I allow myself to really feel everything I’m feeling. Perhaps in an attempt not to go numb from the cold. I cling to every feeling I have happy and sad. And the more I feel it, the easier it is for me to let it go. It’s very therapeutic. I love winter and right now, I need it.

I still think about you sometimes. I suppose it’s inevitable after 13 months and all our history. Sometimes, I miss you, sometimes I hate you, sometimes I just want an explanation. You told me I didn’t make you happy. My question is why? Why when I gave you everything I had, was it still not enough? I’m sorry I got pregnant but if I recall correctly, it’s not like I said “Hey, stick it in me. No, don’t worry about protection.” I’m sorry I couldn’t just let her go, but she was our child after all. I’m sorry that I went on living my life while you were in jail but it was 8 months. What was I supposed to do? I’m sorry that I have depression but you had your issues too and I dealt with them. Why wasn’t it enough? But now, when I really think about it, it was more than enough and if I didn’t make you happy, that’s because you refuse to be happy. I did everything to make you happy and you couldn’t be bothered with whether or not I was happy. I guess I was easy though. I just wanted to be loved. You saying it was enough to keep me. While it still hurts sometimes, I’m getting over it. I think now, if I could say anything to you, it would be “thank you”. If I’d never been with you, I would still be that insecure girl who would sleep with any guy who said I was pretty. Ani Difranco has a song called Superhero which makes me think of us. The chorus is “I used to be a superhero/ I would swoop down and save me from myself/ you were like a phone booth that I somehow stumbled into/ now look at me/ I am just like everybody else”. The only difference is that in our case, you were a phone booth that I stumbled into and became a superhero. After you, I realized all I had to offer. I realized how wonderful I am. I realized how much I deserve. I am happy now. And I will continue to grow and love myself. So thank you. Thank you so much for helping me find myself again.

{February 8, 2008}   The Green-eyed Monster

I come home to find my best friend asleep in my bed. She’s not here for me, she’s here for my roommate. They’re upstairs being loud and having fun. I’m downstairs alone watching a Canadian Soap Opera due to lack of anything better to do. I’m starting to hate my best friend. It’s not really anything she’s doing so much as me just being jealous. I hate being jealous but I don’t know how to stop it. And when they’re both around I just feel hideous. My roommate is a size 0 my best friend isn’t far off from that. I’m a 13 which is just not cute. I want them out. Now.

Often I feel as if I live in a different world. Population me. I feel as if I don’t know anyone except in brief glances when I invite them into my world. They never seem to stay long. I’ve spent so much time hiding myself from everyone, that I don’t really know anyone at all. I don’t really know myself at all. Sometimes I feel so alone that I just can’t stand it. It gets so quiet and lonely in my world that I lash out hoping someone will respond. Just to hear someone, to feel someone, to know someone knows I’m there even for a moment. A therapist once asked me if I was suicidal. I had a hard time answering the question. The answer is both yes and no. I am suicidal, I think about it all the time. I’ve pictured it down to the last detail a million different ways. I would never do it. Call it fear, call it laziness, call it not being selfish. Whatever the reason, I could never bring myself to actually go through with it. Although, I’ve gotten so close more than once. When I get deep into depression, I don’t hope to get out of it the way I used to. I pray that I can descend all the way into my depression. The worst part is always the hope that it could get better. Once it gets better, you’ll just drop down again. I hate the ups and downs. No, I hate the ups, they make the downs more noticeable.

    I did something kind of major today. I tried on my old favorite sweater. That may not sound like a big deal but let me tell you, it is. It’s the sweater I wore to the Planned Parenthood the day of the abortion. I hadn’t put it on since that day. It had been kind of hiding in my room. But, as I was looking for a shirt today, I came across it and something compelled me to try it on. I can’t say I was too upset that it’s far too big now. I’m glad that I never have to wear it again. I’m also glad that I did try it on. Putting it on brought me back to December 15th 2006. There I was getting ready to go and have an abortion.

I didn’t sleep the night before. I left my house and met him up the street. He picked me up in a truck borrowed from a friend. We drove around for a while. I didn’t really have much to say. He wanted to smoke pot. Much as I wanted, I couldn’t numb myself. Not then. Finally, it was time to go to the clinic. We parked and walked a bit. I filled out forms, he sat there next to me. I went in for the preliminary stuff, he sat in the waiting room. We paid the $400, he bitched briefly about the money he was spending. I went in for the abortion. He went with me and held my hand. I clung to my teddy bear. And then, it was over. My child was gone. And I had never felt more alone. Even with the man I said I loved standing right there next to me.

I think it helped that we said we loved each other. It made it feel like it was worth it. As I looked back on it today, I realized how not worth it it was. How alone I really was then. And how alone I didn’t have to be. I really wish I’d told my mom. I think she may have been the only person who could have really been with me through it. Instead, I gave my child and shut out my mom for a guy who didn’t care. I think this whole experience today was the final step in letting him go. In realizing that he was never worth it. In realizing that no one is worth that. That anyone who would ever even consider it with you isn’t worth it.

{January 20, 2008}   I’m from Delaware

So, I live in Delaware. The first state. Home of tax free shopping. Don’t know what I’m talking bout do you? It’s a small state right below Pennsylvania. Anyway, recently, I’ve felt like I’m suffocating here. Everyone knows everyone and it’s getting kind of old. Yesterday while fighting boredom, I was on youtube searching videos about Delaware. I found the below video and I think it pretty much shows the extent of life in Delaware. I need to get out of here. And soon.

et cetera