Carly Catastrophe

    I did something kind of major today. I tried on my old favorite sweater. That may not sound like a big deal but let me tell you, it is. It’s the sweater I wore to the Planned Parenthood the day of the abortion. I hadn’t put it on since that day. It had been kind of hiding in my room. But, as I was looking for a shirt today, I came across it and something compelled me to try it on. I can’t say I was too upset that it’s far too big now. I’m glad that I never have to wear it again. I’m also glad that I did try it on. Putting it on brought me back to December 15th 2006. There I was getting ready to go and have an abortion.

I didn’t sleep the night before. I left my house and met him up the street. He picked me up in a truck borrowed from a friend. We drove around for a while. I didn’t really have much to say. He wanted to smoke pot. Much as I wanted, I couldn’t numb myself. Not then. Finally, it was time to go to the clinic. We parked and walked a bit. I filled out forms, he sat there next to me. I went in for the preliminary stuff, he sat in the waiting room. We paid the $400, he bitched briefly about the money he was spending. I went in for the abortion. He went with me and held my hand. I clung to my teddy bear. And then, it was over. My child was gone. And I had never felt more alone. Even with the man I said I loved standing right there next to me.

I think it helped that we said we loved each other. It made it feel like it was worth it. As I looked back on it today, I realized how not worth it it was. How alone I really was then. And how alone I didn’t have to be. I really wish I’d told my mom. I think she may have been the only person who could have really been with me through it. Instead, I gave my child and shut out my mom for a guy who didn’t care. I think this whole experience today was the final step in letting him go. In realizing that he was never worth it. In realizing that no one is worth that. That anyone who would ever even consider it with you isn’t worth it.

    Sometimes, I think she haunts my uterus. That probably sounds really weird. But, since the abortion, I swear I can still feel her moving in there from time to time. Had I carried her to term, she would have been born by now. But I didn’t and I really feel sometimes like part of her is still in there. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. She’d be almost 7 months now. And she would be beautiful. Sometimes I dream about her. Quite often actually. That’s how I know she’d be beautiful. I’ve seen her. I’ve seen her as old as 3. She’s gorgeous. Thank God I carry mostly dominate genes and her father carries mostly recessive. Some nights, I wake up certain I’ve heard her crying. Those nights are the worst.

I worry that because of the abortion, I won’t be able to have children later in life. That happens sometimes. I also worry that if I do have children one day, even if I never tell them, they will know. And they will hate me for it. That happens sometimes too. Well, there’s no proof on that one, but it would be my luck that I would be the first and only case. And I want so badly to have children. I want to feel that kind of love. I need to. But I fear I am now incapable of doing so. I fear that this has affected me in ways I haven’t even seen yet.

The whole experience has made me extremely pro life. Although, having felt that scared, alone, and hopeless, I would never condemn a woman for making that choice. It’s a tough one to make. One that you may think you can handle. One that you most likely can’t.

et cetera