Carly Catastrophe

{February 3, 2008}   I hate the ups, they make the downs more noticeable

Often I feel as if I live in a different world. Population me. I feel as if I don’t know anyone except in brief glances when I invite them into my world. They never seem to stay long. I’ve spent so much time hiding myself from everyone, that I don’t really know anyone at all. I don’t really know myself at all. Sometimes I feel so alone that I just can’t stand it. It gets so quiet and lonely in my world that I lash out hoping someone will respond. Just to hear someone, to feel someone, to know someone knows I’m there even for a moment. A therapist once asked me if I was suicidal. I had a hard time answering the question. The answer is both yes and no. I am suicidal, I think about it all the time. I’ve pictured it down to the last detail a million different ways. I would never do it. Call it fear, call it laziness, call it not being selfish. Whatever the reason, I could never bring myself to actually go through with it. Although, I’ve gotten so close more than once. When I get deep into depression, I don’t hope to get out of it the way I used to. I pray that I can descend all the way into my depression. The worst part is always the hope that it could get better. Once it gets better, you’ll just drop down again. I hate the ups and downs. No, I hate the ups, they make the downs more noticeable.

I'm done feeling like a skeleton, no more sleepwalking dead. says:

I understand the sentiment behind this. The ups, as good as they may seem at the time, only set us up for massive falls. But I think, ultimately, it’s still the downs that we hate: if we were constantly up, we’d all feel great all of the time.

I understand about both being and not being suicidal, too. I think a lot of people fall under that category.

amy says:

i know what it feels to be alone. i’m with someone, but when i’m by myself i can then see how alone i really am. it kills me a little at a time to try to trudge through the days. actually, the ups help me alot, while few, puts my mind in a different place. i know it’s hard trying to think about the good times when you’re in a bad time. i hope things turn soon.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: