Carly Catastrophe

{February 14, 2008}   Zombies can’t run dumbass

So I was thinking today about zombies. And how in zombie movies, the entire population except for like 5-10 people have become zombies. These 5-10 people then spend the entire movie running from these zombies. Many of them do not make it out as humans. My question is why? If you’re surrounded by zombies and you know that most likely you won’t make it, why even waste the energy fighting it? Just accept your fate as a zombie. I mean, if everyone I knew and loved had become a zombie, I wouldn’t really want to continue being a human. I couldn’t chill with my best friends or hug my family if they were zombies. Why not just become a zombie and start a new world with all your zombie buds. Better than living the rest of your life in fear of the zombies right?

It’s freezing outside. I love it. I figured out why last night as I was meditating in the cold. When it’s cold like that, I allow myself to really feel everything I’m feeling. Perhaps in an attempt not to go numb from the cold. I cling to every feeling I have happy and sad. And the more I feel it, the easier it is for me to let it go. It’s very therapeutic. I love winter and right now, I need it.

I still think about you sometimes. I suppose it’s inevitable after 13 months and all our history. Sometimes, I miss you, sometimes I hate you, sometimes I just want an explanation. You told me I didn’t make you happy. My question is why? Why when I gave you everything I had, was it still not enough? I’m sorry I got pregnant but if I recall correctly, it’s not like I said “Hey, stick it in me. No, don’t worry about protection.” I’m sorry I couldn’t just let her go, but she was our child after all. I’m sorry that I went on living my life while you were in jail but it was 8 months. What was I supposed to do? I’m sorry that I have depression but you had your issues too and I dealt with them. Why wasn’t it enough? But now, when I really think about it, it was more than enough and if I didn’t make you happy, that’s because you refuse to be happy. I did everything to make you happy and you couldn’t be bothered with whether or not I was happy. I guess I was easy though. I just wanted to be loved. You saying it was enough to keep me. While it still hurts sometimes, I’m getting over it. I think now, if I could say anything to you, it would be “thank you”. If I’d never been with you, I would still be that insecure girl who would sleep with any guy who said I was pretty. Ani Difranco has a song called Superhero which makes me think of us. The chorus is “I used to be a superhero/ I would swoop down and save me from myself/ you were like a phone booth that I somehow stumbled into/ now look at me/ I am just like everybody else”. The only difference is that in our case, you were a phone booth that I stumbled into and became a superhero. After you, I realized all I had to offer. I realized how wonderful I am. I realized how much I deserve. I am happy now. And I will continue to grow and love myself. So thank you. Thank you so much for helping me find myself again.

{February 8, 2008}   The Green-eyed Monster

I come home to find my best friend asleep in my bed. She’s not here for me, she’s here for my roommate. They’re upstairs being loud and having fun. I’m downstairs alone watching a Canadian Soap Opera due to lack of anything better to do. I’m starting to hate my best friend. It’s not really anything she’s doing so much as me just being jealous. I hate being jealous but I don’t know how to stop it. And when they’re both around I just feel hideous. My roommate is a size 0 my best friend isn’t far off from that. I’m a 13 which is just not cute. I want them out. Now.

Often I feel as if I live in a different world. Population me. I feel as if I don’t know anyone except in brief glances when I invite them into my world. They never seem to stay long. I’ve spent so much time hiding myself from everyone, that I don’t really know anyone at all. I don’t really know myself at all. Sometimes I feel so alone that I just can’t stand it. It gets so quiet and lonely in my world that I lash out hoping someone will respond. Just to hear someone, to feel someone, to know someone knows I’m there even for a moment. A therapist once asked me if I was suicidal. I had a hard time answering the question. The answer is both yes and no. I am suicidal, I think about it all the time. I’ve pictured it down to the last detail a million different ways. I would never do it. Call it fear, call it laziness, call it not being selfish. Whatever the reason, I could never bring myself to actually go through with it. Although, I’ve gotten so close more than once. When I get deep into depression, I don’t hope to get out of it the way I used to. I pray that I can descend all the way into my depression. The worst part is always the hope that it could get better. Once it gets better, you’ll just drop down again. I hate the ups and downs. No, I hate the ups, they make the downs more noticeable.

et cetera