Carly Catastrophe

{January 7, 2008}   Sometimes I think my uterus is haunted

    Sometimes, I think she haunts my uterus. That probably sounds really weird. But, since the abortion, I swear I can still feel her moving in there from time to time. Had I carried her to term, she would have been born by now. But I didn’t and I really feel sometimes like part of her is still in there. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. She’d be almost 7 months now. And she would be beautiful. Sometimes I dream about her. Quite often actually. That’s how I know she’d be beautiful. I’ve seen her. I’ve seen her as old as 3. She’s gorgeous. Thank God I carry mostly dominate genes and her father carries mostly recessive. Some nights, I wake up certain I’ve heard her crying. Those nights are the worst.

I worry that because of the abortion, I won’t be able to have children later in life. That happens sometimes. I also worry that if I do have children one day, even if I never tell them, they will know. And they will hate me for it. That happens sometimes too. Well, there’s no proof on that one, but it would be my luck that I would be the first and only case. And I want so badly to have children. I want to feel that kind of love. I need to. But I fear I am now incapable of doing so. I fear that this has affected me in ways I haven’t even seen yet.

The whole experience has made me extremely pro life. Although, having felt that scared, alone, and hopeless, I would never condemn a woman for making that choice. It’s a tough one to make. One that you may think you can handle. One that you most likely can’t.

nutrimom says:

Your entry really hit me in a major way. It’s so sad to think of how haunted you feel and all of the dreams you’ve had. I can see why you are pro-life now. I just want to say that you can have hope and peace even through this hard stuff. We all are faced with hard decisions in life, and everyone makes mistakes. We can be forgiven, though, and I believe your baby is now in heaven with Jesus. Jesus does forgive and give peace to us when we bring this stuff to him. I know you may already have your own beliefs about religion, but I just wanted to share that.

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