Carly Catastrophe

    I did something kind of major today. I tried on my old favorite sweater. That may not sound like a big deal but let me tell you, it is. It’s the sweater I wore to the Planned Parenthood the day of the abortion. I hadn’t put it on since that day. It had been kind of hiding in my room. But, as I was looking for a shirt today, I came across it and something compelled me to try it on. I can’t say I was too upset that it’s far too big now. I’m glad that I never have to wear it again. I’m also glad that I did try it on. Putting it on brought me back to December 15th 2006. There I was getting ready to go and have an abortion.

I didn’t sleep the night before. I left my house and met him up the street. He picked me up in a truck borrowed from a friend. We drove around for a while. I didn’t really have much to say. He wanted to smoke pot. Much as I wanted, I couldn’t numb myself. Not then. Finally, it was time to go to the clinic. We parked and walked a bit. I filled out forms, he sat there next to me. I went in for the preliminary stuff, he sat in the waiting room. We paid the $400, he bitched briefly about the money he was spending. I went in for the abortion. He went with me and held my hand. I clung to my teddy bear. And then, it was over. My child was gone. And I had never felt more alone. Even with the man I said I loved standing right there next to me.

I think it helped that we said we loved each other. It made it feel like it was worth it. As I looked back on it today, I realized how not worth it it was. How alone I really was then. And how alone I didn’t have to be. I really wish I’d told my mom. I think she may have been the only person who could have really been with me through it. Instead, I gave my child and shut out my mom for a guy who didn’t care. I think this whole experience today was the final step in letting him go. In realizing that he was never worth it. In realizing that no one is worth that. That anyone who would ever even consider it with you isn’t worth it.

{January 20, 2008}   I’m from Delaware

So, I live in Delaware. The first state. Home of tax free shopping. Don’t know what I’m talking bout do you? It’s a small state right below Pennsylvania. Anyway, recently, I’ve felt like I’m suffocating here. Everyone knows everyone and it’s getting kind of old. Yesterday while fighting boredom, I was on youtube searching videos about Delaware. I found the below video and I think it pretty much shows the extent of life in Delaware. I need to get out of here. And soon.

{January 16, 2008}   Gag me with a spoon

One of my biggest relationship pet peeves is baby talk. It’s one thing for you and your partner to have cute little pet names for each other and maybe one or two obnoxious little baby talk things you do now and then. But if more than 20% of your time together is spent talking in baby talk, it’s disgusting. Being around it makes me want to puke and it just makes you sound stupid. Every relationship I’ve ever seen that relies heavily on the baby talk ends horribly. My theory is this, people use baby talk to dumb themselves down so that they don’t see how bad their relationship is. Also, I can’t stand excessive use of emoticons in any circumstance.

I went to the mall on Friday. Don’t ask me why, I hate the mall. But, I needed underwear. Again, don’t ask me why, I hate underwear. I guess I just wanted a change. Anyway, I went to Victoria’s Secret (yet another thing I hate but they had this 5 for $25 sale so how could I resist?) So, after I’d picked out my 5 pairs of underwear, I got in line to pay. As I was waiting, I saw the Spice Girls Reunion CD for only $4.99. Having once been a hardcore Spice Girls fan, (I once marched around my house in a nightgown chanting “Spice Girls Rule”) I simply couldn’t pass this up. I mean, Victoria’s Secret is the ONLY place you can get the CD and Lord only knows when I’ll be at the mall again.

When I listened to the CD, I could not believe that my mother let me listen to them when I couldn’t have been older than 10. Their first single “Wannabe” includes the lyrics “slam your body down and zigga zig ah.” Now, I had no idea what that meant when I was 10 and honestly, I have no idea what it means now. But, I think it’s safe to assume that it’s something sexual. And, they have lyrics even less subtle. The chorus to the song “2 Become 1” is “I need some love like I never needed love before (wanna make love to ya Baby) I had a little love, now I’m back for more (wanna make love to ya Baby)”. Honestly, I think the music industry was TERRIBLY irresponsible here. You can’t tell me the target demographic wasn’t young girls. And young girls do not need to slam their bodies down and zigga zig ah. That being said, I can’t deny that I still love The Spice Girls. They’re catchy and when I’m sad, they’re great “dancing in your undies” music. (now that I have undies to dance in.)

So, I found out yesterday that my ex is getting out of jail tomorrow. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It’s not that like I’m worried he’s going to come after me or anything, he’s all talk anyway. I guess it’s that that date has been something that I was looking forward to for so long. And now, this girl who’s been waiting for him to get out of jail for 2 months gets to celebrate it and be happy about it. It hurts. As well as that, he sent me a message asking if I wanted the letters I’d written him while he was in jail because if not, he was going to throw them out. This may not seem like that big of a deal but, he’s got this memory box with things from every relationship he’s been in and it hurts that I’m not worth remembering. I don’t understand why he’s trying so hard to hurt me. I did everything for him. In every message he writes me, he apologizes for wasting a year of my life. That’s probably what hurts the most. Every time he says that, I make it clear that he didn’t. I don’t want to give him that along with everything else I gave him. But, it’s like he’s still trying to take it from me. It’s not fair and I don’t understand why he can’t just let me be.

So, I broke up with the new boyfriend last night. The feelings weren’t there. I didn’t want to wait for them to never come and hurt him more later. He was still hurt. I could hear it. He kept telling me that he really liked me. Funny, I didn’t know I could have that effect on people. It was only a week. At the moment, I have a few “gentleman callers” vying for my affections. Where were they when I was 15? When I was younger, I used to wish for the power to make men fall hopelessly in love with me. It seems my wish has come true. I wouldn’t say hopelessly in love with me exactly, but at the very least, hopelessly infatuated with me. I wish I could say it’s a dream come true. It’s not. It’s annoying and confusing. With the exception of one or two, they’re all really nice guys with many redeeming qualities. Although I’m not quite 20 yet, I’m kind of at that point in my life where I’m looking for someone to potentially “settle down with” in a few years. With that in mind, the decision of which of my current suitors (if any) to choose is that much more confusing. What can I put up with for the rest of my life? What can’t I put up with? Any choice I make will without a doubt come with the thoughts “what if he was actually the right guy?” How can I feel so old and so young at the same time?

I got a message on myspace the other day from the ex boyfriend. It was about the blogs I’ve posted on there. Apparently I have nothing better to do than bitch about and belittle him on my myspace. It’s funny because I don’t see it that way. He’s hardly mentioned and if he is, it’s because he’s connected to whatever it is I’m writing about on there. I mean, he was a constant factor for a year of my life. He’s not just going to leave my mind forever. He then went on to tell me that his new girlfriend makes him happier than I ever came close to making him. It certainly hurt a bit. It was a low blow. But, the fact that he needed to say it makes me think it isn’t true. And honestly, I don’t really care either way. I don’t think he’s capable of happiness but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to find it. I have a feeling that he was most upset about the blog “Reasons Why She’s Ugly” which is my first blog on wordpress and the only one from here that is also there. And the funny thing is, it’s really not about her. True, she was in fact the inspiration for it, and I wrote it with that particular relationship in mind. But, I think it’s safe to say, most people wouldn’t see it as a knock on her. It’s not. It’s a knock on all women for the way we treat each other. For all the shallow petty behavior we display towards one another. Making each other the enemy when we clearly aren’t. And now, on a shallow note (I never claimed to be perfect) just because she’s ugly, doesn’t mean it’s about her.

    Sometimes, I think she haunts my uterus. That probably sounds really weird. But, since the abortion, I swear I can still feel her moving in there from time to time. Had I carried her to term, she would have been born by now. But I didn’t and I really feel sometimes like part of her is still in there. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. She’d be almost 7 months now. And she would be beautiful. Sometimes I dream about her. Quite often actually. That’s how I know she’d be beautiful. I’ve seen her. I’ve seen her as old as 3. She’s gorgeous. Thank God I carry mostly dominate genes and her father carries mostly recessive. Some nights, I wake up certain I’ve heard her crying. Those nights are the worst.

I worry that because of the abortion, I won’t be able to have children later in life. That happens sometimes. I also worry that if I do have children one day, even if I never tell them, they will know. And they will hate me for it. That happens sometimes too. Well, there’s no proof on that one, but it would be my luck that I would be the first and only case. And I want so badly to have children. I want to feel that kind of love. I need to. But I fear I am now incapable of doing so. I fear that this has affected me in ways I haven’t even seen yet.

The whole experience has made me extremely pro life. Although, having felt that scared, alone, and hopeless, I would never condemn a woman for making that choice. It’s a tough one to make. One that you may think you can handle. One that you most likely can’t.

Once again, I’m a girl with a boyfriend. I have mixed feelings about it. I like the guy. We get along really well. He both talks and listens. We do more than just watch movies and fuck. Basically, he’s the exact opposite of my last boyfriend. But still, I’m cautious. How can I be anything but after this past year. I thought we were in love until he dumped me. Granted, deep down, I knew we were nose diving but, I told myself that we’d merely hit a rut. And when he left me, I thought I’d never be the same again. Of course, I was wrong but it still hurt like hell. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. I suppose pain is inevitable though. Unlike with my last boyfriend, this guy has no problem with taking things slow. And that’s got to be a good sign right? That was part of he problem last time I decided that I was in love before I even knew him. I guess that’s the trick. I need to keep my head on my shoulders and I’ll be alright. Once again, I’m a girl with a girl with a boyfriend. This time around I’m a smarter girl with a boyfriend.

et cetera