Carly Catastrophe

{December 28, 2007}   I really can’t be mad at him

The more I think about it, the more I realize, that I really can’t be mad at him. The circumstances just weren’t good. We were both responsible for that. First there was the pregnancy. That was both of us. Sleeping with someone you’ve just met is a bad idea. Doing it without protection is a worse idea. After the abortion, I wanted us to work so badly. And, I think he felt bad. Then, he went to jail. That was all him. Of course, with little to no connection to the outside world, he wasn’t going to break up with me. And I, didn’t want to be the bitch who broke up with him while he was in jail. And again, the abortion was a factor. We wrote lots of letters and tried to talk on the phone once a week. Somehow, I was able to romanticize it in my mind. I think we both had issues that made us crave feeling loved. He said he loved me and that was enough. I said it back because I wanted to love someone. And because I didn’t want to lose being loved. Or feeling it at least. I don’t think we were lying exactly when we said it. We wanted to love each other. We thought we meant it. We tried to mean it. But, neither of us really understood or was capable of truly taking on the responsibility of loving someone. I can’t be mad at him for that.

Momma Shay says:

Ya know I always hesitate to say I am anti-abortion. Most of the time I know people will just jump to the conclusion I’m a sign carrying, middle class, white family woman who hasn’t had one experience to give her any levity to have such a passion behind a decision that doesn’t effect her personally. But those people, MOST, don’t know that I feel like every woman’s mom, sister, friend. Abortion isn’t just a religious and moral issue to me……it’s about the woman doing it, what she will everyday or one day experience, how this one act will impact what she does with relationships and what she does to her relationship with herself. And later even her relationships with her living children. It’s a life of guilt, a life of what-if’s, a life of if not then now he/she would be……….I haven’t met one woman that has had an abortion who was thankful and unaffected. Thank God….and I hope I never do.

I’m glad you are mending your way to carry your decision with you without letting it drive you.

As always proud of you because you aren’t the bull in a china shop girl.

You are….SMART, BRAVE, HONEST AND OWN WHAT’S YOURS. One hell of a woman……….

love you!

Momma Shay says:

Another one of those things most girls your age don’t even realize they are doing. Hell, most 50 year old women, married for half or more of her years even realize that they did it all those years ago.

Now the trick will be can you enjoy without abandon, yet in control enough the falling in love feeling of the next new guy……until you get to the point where you can really gauge if you are in love with the guy…..or if you just want the guy to be the one you can be in love with.

It’s a tough one baby girl. Good luck. I’m here if you need to talk about it at any point.

Brave! Get back on that horse and try again!!!! 😉

Love you!

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