Carly Catastrophe

{December 30, 2007}   I just need an episode

Sometimes, I think I’m crazy. Like clinically insane. I realized last night that the fact that my father is adopted means that I don’t know half of my family medical history. Schizophrenia may run in my family. Maybe I really am crazy. But, I doubt it. Most of the time anyway. There are times I doubt I’m sane. I think, if I could just have a really good episode I’d be alright. And I don’t mean yelling at a few people or anything like that. I mean, throwing things, breaking things, screaming bloody murder, and I have to bleed at some point. But then, someone would probably have me committed. And, I don’t really have time in my life for that right now. So I tell my insanity to shut up and I carry on with my life. But it’s there always in the back of my mind. One day, when I’ve got my life together and a decent job and can take a week or so off to go to an institution, I will have my episode. I just hope that I can do it by choice and not insanity.

Having a boyfriend in jail makes life really easy. You can go out without giving a second thought to what you look like. You don’t have to impress anyone. You have a boyfriend. And, you don’t see him at all for five months. It’s not like he can look at your letters and say “maybe you should put on some mascara”.  Eventually, you see him on the weekends. But still, two days a week where you have to care is not bad. The rest of the week, you can just be ugly.

I do it all for you. I want you to see me as beautiful, hot, sexy. I want you to want me. The bright eyeshadows, the eyeliner, I do it because when you look at my face, I want you to see my pretty eyes not my double chin. The jeans and mini skirts that show off my butt and my legs, the tops that show off my breasts, I wear them because I want you to see what’s beautiful not my fat stomach. It’s all done strategically. Draw attention to the good points and you won’t notice the bad ones.

You’re so many different people at the same time. You’re that cute nice guy from work. I want you to fall in love with me.  You’re that boy my roommate brought over last night. I want you to come over again because I’m here.  You’re the guys who hit on me who I’ll never be interested in. I don’t want you, but the attention is flattering. You’re my soulmate who I could meet at any time. I don’t want your first impression of me to be that I’m anything less than beautiful. You’re the girls I feel inferior to. I you to consider me as good as you. You’re the girls I feel superior to. I want to make someone feel inferior. You’re me. I want to see me as beautiful. As sexy. As hot.

{December 28, 2007}   I really can’t be mad at him

The more I think about it, the more I realize, that I really can’t be mad at him. The circumstances just weren’t good. We were both responsible for that. First there was the pregnancy. That was both of us. Sleeping with someone you’ve just met is a bad idea. Doing it without protection is a worse idea. After the abortion, I wanted us to work so badly. And, I think he felt bad. Then, he went to jail. That was all him. Of course, with little to no connection to the outside world, he wasn’t going to break up with me. And I, didn’t want to be the bitch who broke up with him while he was in jail. And again, the abortion was a factor. We wrote lots of letters and tried to talk on the phone once a week. Somehow, I was able to romanticize it in my mind. I think we both had issues that made us crave feeling loved. He said he loved me and that was enough. I said it back because I wanted to love someone. And because I didn’t want to lose being loved. Or feeling it at least. I don’t think we were lying exactly when we said it. We wanted to love each other. We thought we meant it. We tried to mean it. But, neither of us really understood or was capable of truly taking on the responsibility of loving someone. I can’t be mad at him for that.

{December 26, 2007}   Reasons why she’s ugly

One of the worst things about a break up is that it can turn you into a shallow petty bitch. One of those girls you hate. Because, as much fun as it is to make of your ex, it’s much more fun to make fun of his new conquest. I’m not quite sure why. Probably because girls are better at judging girls. And your friends have an arsenal of things to say about this new girl. Mostly different reasons why she’s ugly. Of course, you all agree she’s most likely a bitch and stupid too but, you don’t know her so you can only assume. And for  some reason, this makes you feel better. But why? If she’s as ugly and bitchy and stupid as you all say she is, then what does that say about you? And why do you hate her so much? What did she do? You should want to help her. Call her up and say “Hey, just so you know, this is exactly the breed of asshole he is.” Maybe if one of his exes had call you up, you wouldn’t have stayed with him. But, you know that’s not true. You would have been angry. You would have told her something along the lines of ” You’re just jealous. You couldn’t give him what he needs. I can. Get over him.” And maybe that’s why you hate her. Because she’s blind to who he is. She’s stupid and giving a bad name to women everywhere. Because only a year ago, her stupidity was your stupidity.

et cetera