Curse you shop vac July 18, 2008

I’d like to touch briefly on a very important topic….. How much I HATE shop vacs. At my new job, my proper job title is receptionist but it’s very easily translated into office bitch. Other than normal things like answering the phone, my duties include tasks such as getting drinks for my mom and until we have a cleaning crew, doing the cleaning. And this wouldn’t be that bad if we had a real vacuum. As it stands though, we have a shop vac. One of those huge like industrial sized vacuums that requires you to be in doggy style to use and takes like an hour to do a 10 minute job. It’s the same kind of vacuum that we have at home which has caused me to not give two shits if everything in the house is covered in dog hair as long as I don’t have to vacuum with that thing.

Also, while I was bringing that damned shop vac back upstairs this morning, I hit the stair rail with my side and now I have a huge fucking bruise. Perhaps, when that damn thing least expects it, I’ll hack it to bits or push it down the stairs or something.

That’s right Shop Vac, your days are numbered. You better sleep with one eye open.

Just when you think you’re strong enough, it turns out you’re not July 11, 2008

I had to run some stuff down to my mom’s old office today. No big deal until on the way back, I accidentally walked down 8th street which is where the Planned Parenthood is. It’s Friday which means abortion day which means protesters. Planned Parenthood employees were outside to escort women in and when I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown one offered to escort me across the property. It took all I had to decline. It also took all I had not to start screaming at the protesters with everything I had. I did however look one right in the eye and inform her that what she was doing was not going to help her cause at all. She didn’t respond which is probably best. I smoked 3 cigarettes the rest of my 6 block walk and promptly burst back into tears as soon as I walked in the office. Only to be greeted by our paralegal who’s smile quickly turned to concern and panic. Once I calmed down enough to tell my mother, she concocted a story to tell the paralegal and the other lawyer about how someone followed me and it freaked me out. The benefit of working in the city is that this is a believable story. And now, my face is burning with that horrid mixture of sweat, tears, guilt, embarrassment, and grief and I feel sick to my stomach and everyone in my office thinks I’m a pussy.

Some days there’s nothing I love more July 10, 2008

Than the sound of a good pair of heels on a good marble floor.

I’ve started a new job working as a receptionist in my mother’s law firm. I love it. And part of my job is running all of the errands. Which means, going into fancy buildings with fancy marble floors. And really, the sound of heels on marble is music to my ears. The job is awesome and I’m even doing well working with my mother which was the only worry I really had.

If a body catch a body comin through the rye June 22, 2008

I’ve just finished J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. It was my second Salinger book my first being Franny & Zooey. I have absolutely fallen in love with Salinger. In the Catcher in the Rye, Holden Caulfield defines his idea of a good author as one who after you’ve finished reading his book you wish the two of you were old friends and you could just call him up and chat. And that is exactly how I felt as I finished both Franny & Zooey and The Catcher in the Rye. Salinger’s dialogue is the most beautiful and realistic I’ve ever read and his narrative in The Catcher in the Rye is written just as people think. Salinger has taken my breath away and honestly, I don’t wish we were old friends, I wish we were lovers and I didn’t even have to call him up, I could just turn over and he’d be there in the bed right next to me. And then he would write a book with me as the main character. And that would be sweet. Unfortunately, J.D. Salinger is only like 80 some years old and I draw my line at 25. But still, in some sick fanatical way, I am hopelessly in love with this man who writes so beautifully he takes my breath away.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life June 3, 2008

A lot has happened recently. We flew out to Montana for my Great Grandmother’s 100th birthday. I fell in love. With the mountains, with my cousins, and most importantly, with my Gran. So much in love, that I’m moving to Montana at the end of the summer. Life back home has been better since I came home. Probably because I know I’m leaving. I quit my shitty job at the convenience store due to my manager calling me something that a manager should only call  you if you work in a brothel.  A convenience store is not a brothel. At least not  when I checked.  I’ve put in applications places but I’m not really sweating it.  I’ll find a job which I will promptly leave in August to go where my heart is leading me. Relationships with all of my friends have been better if for no other reason than that I refuse to leave with bad memories. I’m pseudo dating this guy but nothing serious or exclusive. I don’t want a reason to stay, leaving will be hard enough as it is but I NEED to do it. I’ve just been happy. I feel like I’m finally getting out of jail or something. Delaware is like a trap and there’s plenty to keep one here. Nothing worth it though, my friends will do fine without me and with modern technology, it’ll be like I never left. My family will get on without me too although my mom may need to find someone new to yell at when she’s pissed off. It’s my little brother’s turn though, I’ve been the scapegoat long enough. Still, the idea of leaving is hard. I love my mom and it seems a shame to leave just when our relationship is starting to not suck so much. But, Montana just feels right. Leaving Delaware just feels right. Living my life just feels right.

A poem about the abortion April 15, 2008

Autumn leaves on a Summer sidewalk

Death has come before its time

One is gone and one remains

Cannot laugh cannot cry

Cannot grieve cannot move on

Yeah, your kids will wait till marriage just like you did April 11, 2008

So, I’ve just started talking to my sister again. And the other night she asked me a slightly disturbing question. The question was “do condoms help protect against STDs?” which may not seem disturbing but her response to my answer sure was. “Oh, my health teacher told me they didn’t.” Abstinence only education is insane. Do people honestly think that by not teaching our children how to have safe sex they’ll just decide not to? Come on now! Kids are going to have sex whether you want them to or not. Isn’t it better that they be taught that they should wait while still giving them the information that they need. Promoting safe sex is not the same as promoting sex. And now, we’re giving children false information about protecting themselves. A health teacher once told me that when used correctly, condoms have a 38% fail rate. Now, none of us like condoms honestly. (Although, I certainly prefer them to the pill.) And if we are taught that they don’t even do what they’re supposed to do, we’re going to decide that there’s no point, we’ll just use the pull out method. And the pullout method doesn’t work people. The bodily fluids are still exchanged, you’re at a greater risk for contracting an STD or becoming pregnant. We need to stop lying to our children before it leads us to lying to our grandchildren. Before you’re taking your child to the clinic to treat his gonorrhea.

April 10, 2008

I haven’t written in forever. I just haven’t been able to. And writing is like exercising. Don’t do it once and all of the sudden, it’s been a year since you’ve written anything. Not that you haven’t written at all but nothing that you want other people to see. Anyway, I’m back and there will be new posts soon.

Zombies can’t run dumbass February 14, 2008

So I was thinking today about zombies. And how in zombie movies, the entire population except for like 5-10 people have become zombies. These 5-10 people then spend the entire movie running from these zombies. Many of them do not make it out as humans. My question is why? If you’re surrounded by zombies and you know that most likely you won’t make it, why even waste the energy fighting it? Just accept your fate as a zombie. I mean, if everyone I knew and loved had become a zombie, I wouldn’t really want to continue being a human. I couldn’t chill with my best friends or hug my family if they were zombies. Why not just become a zombie and start a new world with all your zombie buds. Better than living the rest of your life in fear of the zombies right?

And when the snow came we were always out shoveling February 11, 2008

It’s freezing outside. I love it. I figured out why last night as I was meditating in the cold. When it’s cold like that, I allow myself to really feel everything I’m feeling. Perhaps in an attempt not to go numb from the cold. I cling to every feeling I have happy and sad. And the more I feel it, the easier it is for me to let it go. It’s very therapeutic. I love winter and right now, I need it.